Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Encounter by Stephen Arterburn

The chapters in The Encounter by Stephen Arterburn are short and easy to read a chapter here and a chapter there without it eating up a large portion of time, and that was my initial plan for reading this book. However, I ended up reading this book in one sitting. The story itself is only 140 pages, and once you get into it, you want to see what happens. The chapters follow a format with one chapter about the main character and the next chapter about his estranged mother that the main character is trying to reconnect with. The story line will pull you in and make you emotionally involved as the story unfolds.

The description in this story make you feel like you are there, and if you have not visited Alaska before, you will want to after reading this book. The journey to discover more about one’s past is something many can relate to. The main themes of forgiveness and reconciliation are also very relatable.

I enjoyed the afterword by the author about how he developed the story idea and the words he wrote about forgiveness and acceptance sound like words of wisdom a counselor would give. The group study questions in the back are worth responding to, and I could see this book being an interesting read for a small group study. I would also recommend this book for someone that has reconciliation and forgiveness that needs to happen in his or her life. This book can be the first step in someone figuring out what he or she needs to do to reach a place of peace.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Close Enough To Hear God Breathe

Close Enough To Hear God Breathe

Greg Paul

Close Enough To Hear God Breathe is a beautiful book that can give you a greater understand of God’s love for us. This book has five major parts – the heart of the matter, creation, the fall, redemption, and consummation. It tells the major events of the Great Story of God’s love for us in a beautiful, almost at poetic way at times. Greg starts the chapters usually with a captivating story that gets you hooked and want to finish the chapter. And he does not just tell an illustrative story just for the sake of telling a story or entertaining, but he ties it in with the main point of the chapter.

Throughout the book, I learned a great deal about Greg’s life and his struggles. But these issues are just not ones relatable to his life but also to mine. The questions he asks are some I have struggled through. The issues he discusses are some that I have pondered. At the end of the book, he offers study questions for a book study. The questions are reflective and could lend to good discussion. The chapters are short enough to read in one sitting, and Greg does a great job of showing how the Great Story is part of our story.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

bday soundtrack

in no particular order...

1. Sunscreen Song
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years youll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...Youre not as fat as you imagine. Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Dont be reckless with other peoples hearts, dont put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Dont waste your time on jealousy; sometimes youre ahead, sometimes youre behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

2. I'll See you on the Other Side - George Strait
Well, hope is an anchor and love is a ship:
Time is the ocean an' life is a trip.
You don't know where you're goin' till you know where you're at,
And if you can't read the stars, well, you better have a map:
A compass and a conscience so you don't get lost at sea,
Around some old lonely island where no one wants to be.
From the beginning of creation, I think our Maker had plan,
For us to leave these shores and sail beyond the sand.
An' let the Good Light guide us through the waves and the wind,
To the beaches in a world where we have never been.
And we'll climb up on the mountain, y'all: we'll let our voices ring,
When those who've never tried it, they'll be the first to sing.

3. I'm Learning to Fly - Tom Petty
Im learning to fly but I aint got wings
Comin down is the hardest thing
Well the good old days may not return
And the rocks might melt, and the sea may burn

4. Someday We'll Know - Switchfoot
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?
Someday We'll Know
If love can move a mountain
Someday We'll Know
Why the sky is blue
Someday We'll Know
Why I wasn't meant for you

5. Song of the South - Alabama
Song, song of the south.
Sweet potato pie and I shut my mouth.
Gone, gone with the wind.
There aint nobody looking back again.

6. A Long December - Counting Crows
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I cant remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And its one more day up in the canyon
And its one more night in hollywood
Its been so long since Ive seen the ocean...i guess I should

7. The Dance- Garth Brooks
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

8. Unanswered Prayers - Garth Brooks
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when youre talkin to the man upstairs
That just because he doesnt answer doesnt mean he dont care
Some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

9. Mississippi Girl - Faith Hill
'Cause a Mississippi girl don't change her ways
Just 'cause everybody knows her name
ain't big headed from a little bit of fame

10. This is Your Life - Switchfoot
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you�ve broken
Don�t close your eyes, don�t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you�ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you�ll ever have
Don�t close your eyes
Don�t close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

11. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

12. 83- John MayerI've these dreams of
Walking home
Home where it used to be
And everything is
As it was
Frozen in front of me
Here I stand
6 feet small
romanticizing years ago
but it's a bitter sweet feeling hearing
"Wrapped Around Your Finger" on the radio
and these days
I wish I was 6 again
Oh make me a red cape
I wanna be Superman...
if heaven's all we want it to be
send your prayers to me
care of 1983

13. Fireflies - Lori McKenna
Before you met me I was a fairy princess
I caught frogs and called them prince
And made myself a queen
And before you knew me I'd traveled 'round the world
And I slept in castles
And fell in love
Because I was taught to dream
I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinkerbell
And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell
Cause I believe in fairytales
And dreamer's dreams
Like bedsheet sails
And I believe in Peter Pan
And miracles, anything I can to get by
And fireflies
Now before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
And I could bless myself in your name
And pat you on your wings
And before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
Well life is hard and so is love
Child, believe in all these things

14. Rosemary's Granddaughter - Sara Evans
If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am
I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am
I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser; I'm a winner
I am steady and unstable
I'm young, but I am able

15. White Horse - Taylor Swift
Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

16. My Next Thirty Years - Tim McGraw
I think Ill take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now its time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years
Hey my next thirty years Im gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things Ive done
Maybe now Ive conquered all my adolescent fears
And Ill do it better in my next thirty years
My next thirty years Im gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what Im doing here
In my next thirty years
Oh my next thirty years, Im gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

17. 100 Years - Five for FightingI'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

18. Defying Gravity - Wicked
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

19. I Know Where I've Been - Hairspray
There's a road
We've been travelin'
Lost so many on the way
But the riches
Will be plenty
Worth the price we
Had to pay
There's a dream
In the future
There's a struggle
That we have yet to win
And there's pride
In my heart
'Cause i know
Where i'm going
And i know where i've been

20. Something Worth Leaving Behind - Lee Ann Womack
I'll probably never hold a brush
that paints a masterpiece
Probably never find a pen
that writes a symphony
But if I will love then I will find
That I have touched another life
And that's something
Something worth leaving behind
Hey Midas you say you have the magic touch
But even all that shiny stuff
Someday is gonna turn to dust
Hey Jesus it must have been some Sunday morning
In a blaze of glory
We're still tellin' your story
I may not go down in history
I just want someone to remember me

21. Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
Save tonight
and fight the break of dawn
Come tomorrow
tomorrow I'll be gone

22. Settlin' - Sugarlandi Ain't Settling For Just Getting By
i've Had Enough So So For The Rest Of My Life
tired Of Shooting Too Low, So Raise The Bar High
just Not Giving Up This Time
i Ain't Settling For Anything Less Than Everything, Yeah

23. The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

24. Let Go - Frou Frou
so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in

25. Holiday in Spain - Counting Crows
I may take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Flush my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new

salvaging some stuff from the hurricane

I had two boxes of stuff I tried to salvage from the house after the hurricane. I haven't been able to go through it until today. Why today? I don't know. Maybe I was procrastinating something. I took it with me through two moves since then, and today I felt the urge to try to do something about it. It full of things I couldn't bear to throw away. I've realized that I measured my self worth too much on what I did. Straight A's or being valedictorian of my high school class had been my focus too much of my life. When I walked into the house after the water subsided, the first thing I saw was a certificate of mine stuck to the floor that had floated from my room into the living room. It was at that point that I had such a sense of despair. I just wanted to throw it all away and forget it ever happened. It seemed like there was no hope in my life that day. I felt as if it was the end of the world because it was the end of my world as it had always been. My support system had broken underneath me. I knew that I had to stand on my own from here on out because anybody that could have been there for me was too busy with their own problems.

I admit I'm really sensitive about the whole situation. Don't show me baby pictures right now. I get mad about mine that can never be replaced. I look at my destroyed Baby Book, and all I can do is sigh because there's no way something like that can be replaced. Few things bring more emotions to me than this hurricane. I get angry. I get sad. I get nostalgic about the way things used to be. I get confused about why it had to happen. I mourn the loss of people and pets I cared about that are no longer here. Maybe in time I will understand what good this event brought. It is hard to think of any reason right now.

I'm trying to contact yearbook companies to see if I can reorder them, since mine were pretty much obliterated. If anybody has had success in this area, let me know. I made a few phone class. We'll see what they say.

I did find one thing that made me smile. It was something I made in kindergarden. It was laminated, so it was salvageable. It was a crayon rendition of a rainbow, and it said, "You have a choice...you an stay under a cloud or get busy, And find your RAINBOW." I guess I found the answer I was looking for in my box, after all...

life

Do you ever wake up one day and wonder how/why you are where you are? I don't mean the location. I mean, do you ever try to retrace the steps that brought you to the point in your life that you now stand? Life is a series of small decisions that can add up to life-changing experiences. Sometimes when you make those small decisions, you never realize that the summation of these things determine where you end up. Sometimes I come to these epiphanies and I'm like, "Wow, I did that." It's amazing when you make dreams your reality. Do you ever think about the dreams you had as a child? It's mind-blowing how fast things change and people, too.

random thoughts

Ever feel like everything is well with the world? Like everything is aligned and it's just wonderful? That's how I felt this weekend. My mom's house is almost finished. It's a dream come true to have it done. There were times that it seemed like it would never happen. It took three months to build the house, a few hours for Katrina to devastate it, and almost a year and a half to rebuild it.

It was quite fun to be able to redecorate the house. Honestly, I never thought this would happen, but the house actually looks better now than it did before the storm. I will NEVER be grateful for the storm and never be happy that it happened, but at this point, when we obviously cannot retrieve the momentos and everything else we lost, it seems like some good has come from the situation. The house at least got a facelift. My room is purple with a white trim. I tried to go for a dreamy look because it is a dream for me to finally see this completed. I have a white canopy bed, and I never had one before, even though I've wanted one since I was young. Everything, closet doors, etc. is either white or purple. On the wall, I'm putting black and white pictures of dreams, mainly places that I enjoy. I have a matted black and white collage of NYC pics so far.

I thought of a really great blog topic earlier today, but I was walking and I cannot seem to recall it. Anyway, I think it would be a great social experiment to say exactly how I feel one day. There would be no sugar-coating of anything. When people asked me if I minded, I would say, "YES I DO!" It would be similiar to the movie Liar, Liar, except I would be simply expressing my thoughts in my mind. I think in one day, I would get people mad and nobody would like me that encountered me that day.

advice

I just had a depressing conversation. I'm tired of people asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Can I not just get a degree in something I like and be fine? Life isn't about money. Sure, I don't want to be homeless, but I don't have to be a millionaire, either. It is more important to me to treat people well and how I make them feel. Humans are the best investments, in my opinion.

Life is like a dance. Sometimes I tango. Sometimes I waltz. Most of the time, I have an improvisational dance that I create as I go along.

I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I don't think I need to. Right now, I cannot see myself doing the same thing the rest of my life. I like changes. I like new beginnings. I am one of those weird people that enjoy moving. I like being able to design or create something from a blank slate. I like starting over.

In short, advice is cheap. It's like a nose - everybody has it. I leave you with a quote about advice.

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

back in the Pass for a weekend

I saw Freedom Writers, and it was amazing! I laughed, and I almost cried. I wish that I could be a great teacher like that.

I'm babysitting my youngest sister...just like the old days, but this house isn't the same. There's really nothing in here that was here from before the hurricane. There's no old pictures to make me think about the past, no childhood momentos. It's really strange to be back in here. It's nice, but it's not the same.

Ever think about going to a place that someone used to spend a great deal of time and actually seeing them there, even though they moved away almost a year ago or are no longer living? I think about things like this. I went to my cousin's old apartment, and it was so weird to not see her there. I felt like she should be there. I felt like she should run around the corner or I would bump into her going down the hall. I think about this when I go to the place we worked at last year as well.

After my great-grandmother died, it took a very long time for me to go back in the house. I just could not bear going there and not having her greet me at the door. I could not imagine not hearing her slippers scuffling on the wooden floor. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. It's a cruel joke that once you can truly appreciate your great-grandparents' stories and wisdom, they are ripped away from you. I have so much to tell her. I need her advice. I need her to listen to me. I need her to tell me that everything will be alright. I had a dream about her house the other night, which is really weird since it doesn't exist anymore thanks to the hurricane. I miss her.

weekend


I went to see Terra this weekend. I miss her so much. I feel like she understands me the most out of all my friends. I can talk to her about anything, and it's just so refreshing to be around someone that understands you so well. She's been my first/best friend since we were in the womb. I hear that we jumped in our mother's stomaches when they were together. We go together like hamburgers and fries. I, of course, am the hamburger.

I always have a lot to say when I'm driving, but when I get to the computer or paper, I never have much to say. Maybe it's writer's block. I thought about a lot during the four and a half hour drive today. I've driven most of that drive a million times because of freshman year. A lot of feelings and memories flooded my mind. How fast time flies! I thought about driving by the W to see things, but I decided against it. I really didn't want to be in the car any longer than I had to, but I did discover a shortcut that I never realized in the year I drove back and forth nearly every weekend. Too late to help...

Freshman year: Courtney is married with a baby. Val and Brittany are on their way to getting married. Joey's hopefully in a better place. Geez, how quickly all of it has changed!!

I don't regret freshman year. I met a lot of amazing people that I mostly keep in touch with still, but I'm so glad I went to Southern. It just feels right for me. I love it here. I love South Mississippi. I love being near the water. I love fresh seafood.

I love Terra. I miss how things used to be. If I could freeze certain times in my life and keep them, while throwing out the ugly parts, it would be amazing. But then again, that wouldn't be life.

Happiness is an interesting concept. Do we really know what makes us happy? Are are we always looking forward to the next thing, the next step that we forget the present? I try to live in the present. The play Our Town that I read in high school really spoke to me. I felt like I was always waiting for the next thing, the next class, the next break, the next this, the next that, to enjoy the here and now. Do I know what makes me happy or do I just think I do? Is it an illusion? What is happiness? I think I know more of what I don't like than what I do like.

I am going to try to live more in the present. I can't change the past. I can't bring people back. I can't live like it's senior year of undergrad again. Although, I can't help but think besides the whole Katrina disaster, those were the best times. I had people that I cared a lot about still here.

Here's to the next "good times," if I even realize when they are when they come. Everything seems better in retrospect. I guess, here's to today. Here's to the future. Here's to better memories still left unmade.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJK4eZgKMd4

five years ago today


Five years ago, my great-grandmother died. I really wanted her to see me graduate that following May. Not only was I going to be the first, I was graduating as valedictorian. I wanted to make her proud.

I remember the day it happened. When I heard the news, I wouldn't accept it. It had to be wrong. Somebody messed up the name. It couldn't be her. My other great-grandmother was sick, not her. It was so sudden, so unexpected for me. She was supposed to live FOREVER. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be true.

Of course in the way my family deals with things, I was told in the car. I took the ACT morning, and I didn't know until afterwards. Incidentally, I got the magic number that day that I was shooting for. Anyway, my mom tells us and then proceeds to take us shopping for something that she wanted. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to be shopping. I was hurting. I had wet my shirt with tears. My face was a mess. I was upset. The last place I wanted to be then was in public.

This was the first death that I had to deal with, and I was two months away from being 18. I've had other grandparents die before, but my parents never allowed me to go to the funerals. I was sent away. They believed that a funeral was not a place for a child. Therefore, it was like they just went on a trip and never came back. I never got to say goodbye to them. I need to say goodbye to her. I was almost 18 this time. I drove myself and my sisters to the wake. They deserved a chance to say goodbye, too.

This event was so devasting to me. The night before I thought about going to see her, but I decided against it. I was driving from school, and I passed her road on the way home, but I opted for a nap instead. I told myself I'd go Saturday. But there was no second chance. There was no tomorrow. I should have went when I thought about going that day before. I felt so horrible because the last thing I had told her was a promise that I'd go see her soon. It was a promise that I would never fulfill.

It wasn't her. That's not the reason I didn't go. Because of other people, relationships in my life that lived with her, I didn't go see her. I felt like a jerk.

I remember lying in the fetal position on the floor of my room until I couldn't cry anymore. My eyes were so swollen that I'm surprised my eyelids opened. After the burial, when nobody was around, I went to the grave. I had to talk to her. I had to say I'm sorry. Although she had lived a long life, it wasn't long enough for me. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Five years later, I still can't believe she's gone.

I still miss her. She was a great woman. She taught me how to crochet and sew. Sewing and quilting were her ways to relax. I spent numerous afternoons just being with her. When I was in elementary school, I got off the bus at her house because my parents were still working.

I'd like to think that I carry some of her with me today. She cared about everyone. I don't think she ever prayed for herself; she always put the needs of others before her own. Every night she went through her list of people to pray for. In fact, she had a pet bird that started praying too after hearing her pray night after night. Her house was the place that people went to when they were having a hard time. It was sort of like a hotel. Somebody was always in and out. I can still hear her slippers scuffling on the wooden floor if I try really hard. In time, the sound of her voice is fading in my mind. I had videos of her telling jokes and stories, but the hurricane washed them away. Few pictures of her survived the storm. Even as I write this, I'm crying.

I hope that I made her proud. I hope that she knew how much she meant to me. Bread, saspirilla, pecans, pears, and crochet needles make me think of her. Her birthday is two months from today.

She was a great woman. She tried her hardest to do the right thing. She may not have been a rich woman on earth, but she was rich in spirit, humor, and love for her family.

There's a place in my heart that will always be hers. I still miss her.

the first time I saw it

When I saw the house after the hurricane, for the first time, I had painted a picture in my head that was way better than reality. We knew the house had flooded. My dad had seen the house. He didn't make it seem so bad. After all, he had nothing left to his execept a handful of pieces of bricks and a floor tile or two. I thought, "Hey, we can mop this place out, and clean it up really good." But the second we peered inside, I knew it was something worse than that. Hardly anything was salvageable. The fridge had been knocked over by the water. Sofas were tossed around like toys. Things from my closet door, which had been closed inside my bedroom, which had a closed door before the storm were now at the front door. One of my certificates was stuck on the floor. It had traveled from my room to the living room. But that didn't matter now. It never really did. That meant nothing. Pictures were mush. Collectables broken. Everything left was destroyed by this stench that I don't want to smell again. It wasn't fair. It didn't seem real. It still doesn't. So whenever I hear a really spoiled person complaining about something minute, these images flood my head. Does it matter? No. Did it ever matter? No. People have a way of assigning value to possessions, to things to prove their worth/value. For me, it was a collection of awards I had. When I saw these things tossed about and unsalvageable, rage filled within me - towards an inanimate object - something I could never look in the eye and say that you hurt me. Something I would never see. Something I could never talk to. Something I would never forget. Something finally taught me that my worth is not judged in awards or how well I do because in the face of a natural disaster, it didn't matter. It never did. As my dad said, "We are in survival mode, now." Life, food, water, shelter - those things matter in this life. Advice is so easy to dispense but so hard to take. Sure, it is easy for someone to say, "It's just things. They don't matter. At least you are alive." Yeah, life is good, but it is a heck of a lot easier for you to say that while lost nothing. I liked my things. I would not have had them if I didn't. You think about losing your home and get back to me about how that would make you feel. You think about the guilt of things left undone and things you can never rectify and reflect. I guess something like this makes life easier in a sense. You don't really worry about the little things as much. Grades seem like just a letter on a paper not hardly worth a second glance. Who cares what people think? That's not really what matters. It never was.

critical people

Why do people have to be so critical? Do people get a personal high from making other people feel bad? I notice it a lot, especially in certain classes. For a discipline that prides itself in being open-minded, etc., teachers and students are certainly critical of other's ideas in class. In classes that we are forced to discuss, there should at least be a ground rule that no one is allowed to blatantly put other people's ideas down. Maybe I'm different, but I think a classroom should be a place that people feel safe to express their ideas. If people do not feel free to express their ideas in a college setting, then there is a problem. If brainstorming and participating with ideas (especially when required to or specifically called upon), lead to criticism every single time, why on earth would someone want to participate in class discussions? Some people are more sensitive than others, and we should take other's feelings into consideration. Let's try to make the world a nicer place. Think before you speak. What is your motivation? Do you just want to make yourself look good? Is there some invisible debate team that you alone are part of? If you ever want to experience a classroom when expressing ideas and sharing them are safe and painless, come to one that I teach.

It's funny how...

It's funny how things aren't always what they seem to be. Reality is often one's perception of how things are instead of what truly is. Someone can seem normal and then really be a pathological liar and one of the worst humans you have had the displeasure of meeting. Sometimes you can wish things into existence. If you think about something hard enough, you may be perceiving your wishes instead of what is really happening. What you think is happening is only what you want to happen and not what is truly happening. This can be a problem in relationships. You can't project what you want to happen on another person. It is hard to make another person do anything. In the end, he or she is his or her own person with distinct desires, hopes, and dreams that may or may not be yours. To expect people to act as you would or how you think they should only ends in disappointment or one day realizing that people aren't who you thought they were all along.

I watched Reign Over Me this weekend. I admit that I was not a big fan of Adam Sandler playing serious roles; he is one of my favorite actors. However, he did a good job. The movie spoke a lot of truth about grief. People grieve in their own ways. Some people stay in certain grief stages longer than others. You cannot force a person to grieve the way you want them to. Two people in the movie represented what most people do when someone is grieving - they expected Charlie to grieve just like they did, but this is not how it really happens. Trying to force someone to behave a certain way in their grief process is not fair. You can tell someone that you are there for them, but you cannot force them to talk. Just because they do not talk about it does not mean they do not think of it every day or relive the tragic event. However, one day, they might talk about it in the most random way at the most random time. The words will come out like vomit, and so will tears probably. Then, there is some cathartic release. You should try to listen and not force your advice down their throat. For someone to say that they understand how you feel when in fact they have never been in the same situation can often evoke anger. Just listen when they choose to talk. You don't have to do anything else. People grieve in their own time and their own ways, which may or may not be your own.

not just a phone call away

Today is my great-grandmother's birthday. I had my hand on the phone to call her. Then I remembered that she's no longer alive, and not only that, her house is not even there anymore thanks to the hurricane. It's weird how in that fleeting second you can forget major things such as that. For a split second, I was thinking I really have to get in touch with her. Sadly, she is no longer a phone call away. Who is just a phone call away today that I should be calling? It made me think of calls I should be making.

Secondly, the Jewish have a thing called the Day of Atonement, or Yom Kippur. It is basically one last chance to make things right before your sins are sealed in the record of your life. It is a day to make amends and fix the wrongs and make them right in one's life. If you had a day of atonement, what would you do? It would be amazing if for one day the world practiced this. What a difference it would make in the community, state, nation, and world at large!

my second wave of goodbyes

I've been down the past few weeks, and it is not because of finals or papers, which do suck. I'm bracing myself for my 2nd wave of goodbyes. I thought last year would be hard enough. I really miss T and B being here. They understand me like no others. T has been my best friend all my life, and luckily, she is moving closer, but still things won't be the same because we aren't in the same city. Anyway, we have cars now, so we can deal.

I'm really upset about Mandy leaving. We've gotten really close these past 3 years, and I consider her one of my best friends. We always are on AIM when writing papers, and I don't know how it will be like having her on the other side of the ocean next year. How will we have our nightly IMs writing papers? I am just going to remininsce a bit. Mandy was, I don't even remember the word for it. She was on leadership team when I was on executive team, so I was like her big sister or something. What did we call those things? Anyway. She went from being whatever that was to a close friend. We suffered through McNair together and spent more time NOT doing our theses than actually doing them. Mandy made that summer fun. We both share a love of McDonald's, and it has become our thing because few other people appreciate it like we do. We've been to NYC, Disney World, Colorado (where we got food poisoned), and probably some other places that we've been that I've forgotten. So many memories. So many smiles. So much laughter. She will be sorely missed. But I'm proud of her. She's living the dream, no regrets! One day we'll be the cool grandmothers with the stories.

I think about the exciting things that are coming up, and I want to hit the pause button because I know as soon as they come, other things go, like Mandy. If only life had a pause and rewind button. But alas, life doesn't work that way. I'm grateful for the time we've had together. This is our plan - get our Ph.D.s by age thirty, start thinking about children then, find a school that we both can work at, and have our children be friends because by then all our friends' kids will be in middle school. Ha. Anyway, I know life is tricky, and maybe we won't end up in the same city, state, or country. Just know that I have my memories in my heart, and I'm dreading when you leave town next week.

There are more goodbyes coming up, but this one is the one that makes me want to cry at the moment. I LOVE YOU MANDY!!!

words that don't really make a point

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start
Runnin’ in circles, Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start


That's lyrics to Coldplay's "Scientist." I feel like this song right now. I have a tendency to worry, and that would be my major character flaw. Sometimes I have to write to be able to go to bed, and I think this is one of those nights. I really don't have anything to say when I start, but I just let my fingers do the talking. I really want to write a book. I want to get a Ph.D. to do it, but I really think I'd be a much better author than professor. I grew up in Missisippi, after all. We have to entertain ourselves by telling stories. I have over twenty years of experience. :)

So I'm back at home for a bit. This has been the longest I have been here since the storm. Sometimes being down these streets and being in this house, even though it was completely redone and doesn't look the same, I get a glimpse of myself from years past. I'm not really sure if the old Tabitha and the new Tabitha would have gotten along. In fact, they probably would have gotten on each other's nerves. I sometimes shudder to think about it.

So much has changed since I left for college. I've gotten a passport and added stamps to it. I've seen so much more of the country. I've tried new things. I've met new people. Actually, I think I learned how to live life. So much of my past had been run by fear of the unknown from my mother and my grandmother telling me what I cannot do. "You can't do that. You're too little." "You can't do that. You're a girl." "You can't go there. It's unsafe." "Don't talk to strangers."

Well, the talking to strangers rule was the first rule I ditched. Strangers is such a strange word. Is somebody inevitably strange because you don't know them? No. Unfamiliar, yes. But they don't have to be strange. I'm glad I met strangers; they showed me more to life than the narrow-minded path I had once called familiar. After all, everybody we meet was once a "stranger" at first, anyway?

I don't really know the point I'm trying to make, if any. So much has changed on the Coast. I miss old place, but it would have probably changed anyway. Deep down in my heart, I always knew I couldn't stay here. It would have changed anyway. Things always do. And change is not bad.

Vicksburg

I went to another wedding this weekend. This was my first wedding that I went to alone, besides the ones that I've been in, which those don't really count anyway because I'm too busy doing damage control in those. :) I had to face head-on my fear of this. It wasn't so bad. It was actually empowering. I need to start doing more things alone. I still don't think I could sit at a non-fast food restaurant alone and eat, but maybe this year I can conquer that.

Anyway, I have this goal of visiting all the Civil War battlefields. Europe is exciting, and I love it, too, but it is important to discover America as well. There's a lot in our backyard. Nonetheless, I drove through the Vickburg battlefields today. At the Grand Canyon, driving through Arizona, and various other places when I have had time to think, I have been having these moments lately. I had another one today. I was waiting for the next film to start in the museum there before I drove through the battlefield, and there was this side room with talking. It was diaries or memoirs being read, and there were corresponding exhibits. Over all the talking, and through soaking in the words being spoken by a woman's voice at this point, there is constant gunfire noises. I stood there rooted in the floor. I almost expected the manekin holding the gun in the trench set-up to turn around and look me in the eyes, I couldn't believe the words being spoken. The woman, obviously going through the siege of Vicksburg, the sickness, the starvation, the gunfire, and other hardships was talking about every bit of creation praising God, including her.

And then it hit me. She was giving thanks in the midst of a WAR!!! I turned and looked at this net exhibit. I looked around. I was the only person in the room. But I hope I remember that moment for the rest of my life. More touching than some of the other things I saw that day, I want those words to reverburate in my heart and mind.

Despite everything that has been going on, I have so much to be thankful for, and yet do I give thanks enough? No. It is so much easier to think about the bad things than to pull out the good things, dust them off, and put them on display to reflect upon. Most everything I have faced in the past few years has been an inner battle, not an outer one. I have never had to deal with my country being torn apart. I don't wake up to gunfire and wonder if it will be my last morning to do so. I don't have soldiers ransacking my house. Times have been hard, but I never had to retreat into a cave like many did at that time in Vicksburg. If they could give thanks during that time, how much more thanks could I offer up on a daily basis? A lot more.

I also thought about how I've never had to fight for the freedoms I enjoy in America. True, there have been some infringement upon those freedoms in the past six years, but the foundations are still there. I've never had to face war in my homeland. I don't have to deal with what Bjorn and others are facing as I write this. I'm thankful for the military.

Back to the Civil War and not the current one, right or wrong, those men have passion. They had passion enough to die for what they believed, and I truly admire that. I thought about myself, and although I'm attracted to that passion and drive, do I have that? I honestly don't know if I have anything I believe so strongly that I could willingly put my life in danger like those men that were often younger than I am now. Wow. Let that sink in.

So when I go to a cementary or memorial, I try to take some time to reflect about a person or a group of people there or represented there. Today Lt. Col. Charles Turner's name jumped out at me. I don't know who he was. I don't know what side he was on. I just know he was on the left side of the road I was driving along, but his name was there. However, I know that there were a lot more men that died there that did not have their names on this special cement thing. So, I reflected on those men there, the men that never got to the rank of Lt. Col. or anything because they perished right there, the young men that gave it all, the guys that never lived to see the end of the war.

I thought about their families. I thought that many of them were fathers. Were there descendants proud? Did they even know? I hope they are remembered.

I have more to say, but I feel like this has gotten long enough. I thought more about the concept of home today. That will be the next topic, I believe.

on death and dying

You know what kind of call it is. It's a Saturday morning, and you're sleeping late, yet somebody calls you and wakes you up. "I have a bit of bad news." No, I know that tone in your voice. I heard that sniffle. This is how you start every "bit of bad news" call. It's not a bit of bad news. It's a lot of bad news. Somebody died. Who? I remember all these calls. I remember where I am, whether I am sitting or standing, and what I was doing before I was interupted by said call. Before my mom even said who it was today, my mind was already miles ahead of her. Who was it? What happened. Dear God, please let it not be my grandmother. I don't know how I would deal with that. Not today. Not now. Not ever. Well, what am I doing about it? I should go see my grandmother now. I love her. Ahhh. Who can it be? She tells me. It's all unexpected. No it can't happen. This all a bad dream. Let me wake up. I hear rain pouring outside; it matches the tears my mom has pouring down her face right now. I immediately think of the last time I saw this person or the last mean thought I thought about the person. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it to utterly torment ourselves about something death made it impossible to make better? We are humans. We are imperfect. That's the thing about caring. That's the thing about loving and putting yourself out there. It makes times like this worse. To love someone is to ultimately hurt a lot when they are no longer here on this earth.

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance -Garth Brooks

my life is going to change tomorrow

My life is going to change tomorrow. I'm really nervous. I am going to become an aunt - kind of. My best friend and first cousin is going to have a baby. She is like a sister to me - one that I actually get along with and like. :) We have always done just about everything together because we are only 6 months apart in age. I'm pacing already. She is going to become a mom - responsible for another life. It's not an aunt or old person having a baby tomorrow. I will be in the waiting room waiting on somebody practically my age. When did we grow up? This is all happening too fast.


When you're the best of friends
Having so much fun together
You're not even aware, you're such a funny pair
You're the best of friends

Life's a happy game
You could clown around forever
Neither one of you sees, your natural boundaries
Life's one happy game

If only the world wouldn't get in the way
If only people would just let you play
They say you're both being fools
You're breaking all the rules
They can't understand your magic wonderland

When you're the best of friends
Sharing all that you discover
When that moment has passed, will that friendship last?
Who can say if there's a way?
Oh I hope . . . I hope it never ends
'Cause you're the best of friends
-The Fox and the Hound "Best of Friends"

a long December

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
-Counting Crows

This song might as well be my anthem. Things have been really horrible this past year, but I have faith that this one will be better than the last. Things are going so well that I almost am afraid for something bad to happen. It is like there is too much good in my life right now, and something bad must balance out the good.

So many amazing things have been happening lately. I just got back from Italy, and I learned to laugh again on that trip. I really did not do much laughing the past several months. I laughed until I cried a few times on that trip. It was so great. Even though the beginning of the trip was rocky with planes canceled and nightmarish hostels, things were okay. I came back from the trip a lighter person.

I got into USC! Then, today on my birthday, I found out that I got the fellowship. Wow! Amazing! Dreams do come true!

I had been hesitant about going to South Carolina, but things seem to be falling into place. Today, as well, the rocking chair (one of the three things we were able to save from the house after the hurricane) that my mom rocked all three of her daughters in broke. I wanted to rock my children in that rocking chair. It was as if God was saying, "No, you must break from your past. You are going to South Carolina. Stop questioning it." And strangely enough, I was okay with the rocker breaking. One less thing to move.

There is reason to believe this year will be better than the last...

I have amazing friends that made my day special.

Things are changing fast. Good things.

and three and a half minutes felt like a lifetime

And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song
was playing in my mind.

-Better than Ezra

This song has been in my head since yesterday. Tonight I drove by the dome at night just to see it. It was like I was Claire in Elizabethtown taking one of those goofy mental pictures. I felt like this was one of my last chances to see it, and I wanted to see it tonight. I still have a little less than 4 months left, but now that I know it is real and that I am leaving, it changes how I think. There are so many things that I will miss. But if I stay here and become complacent, I will miss out on whatever else can be out there for me. When I first came to USM for Girls State, I hated the campus. The black and gold everywhere made me want to vomit. I thought that they should tear down the school and give the money to the other state institutions. Oh, how much a year can change you! How things change! Tonight as I drove around seeing the campus at night, I found myself crying (and for the first time in a long time, they were happy tears). For Good from the Wicked soundtrack was playing, and it was so fitting. I could dedicated that song to several people that I have met during my Hattiesburg stint. It will be hard to leave them. It will be hard to say goodbye, but it feels right. I can't do something because it is comfortable and easy. So for now, I'm making a list of things to do this summer, anticipating what I might miss and trying to get enough of those things to tie me over until I get to Hattiesburg again.

Driving around tonight, I felt so alive. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

themesong of my life

I often think of if my life had a theme song, what would it be...
I think it would be more of a soundtrack.
I wish my life were a musical when people spontaneously sing and dance in the street.
Everybody instantly knows all the words and moves.
I already know the snap I would do when I broke into song.
A song that plays in my head a lot is "Best of You" by Foo Fighters. For this period in my life, that is my song.
I hope to change songs soon.
Something lighter and happier would be nice, but the words in this song are true for this season.

Is someone getting the best of you?
No matter how hard you try and how much effort you put in?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DKXGpMGY_o

into the abyss

Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too

-Garden State


It is with a head full of memories and a heart full of dreams that I write this note. I am leaving for South Carolina this Sunday. Friday will be my last day in Hattiesburg, at least until October.
Leaving is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Believe it or not, I am glad that things worked out so last minute. I did not have time to worry about things as much because my percentage of actually going was 50/50 until just recently. For those that are wondering, I did find a place to live. It is a five minutes from campus, and it is a quadruplex. I am excited about it. It is so huge, and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself with a large space and no sister bouncing off the walls. I do not yet have a car, but the insurance company is ready to talk settlement amounts. Beyond that, I am set. My stuff is still packed from when I moved everything to the Coast in May.
At this juncture in my life, I think back to other times I have set off. I went to MUW, and I cried after I got my stuff unloaded in 2002. I went to D.C. as an intern for a senator in 2004, and once I was done with my first day of work on the Hill, I returned to my apartment and cried. I'll probably get back to my place after I finish my first day there and cry again. The great thing about now is that I have a wonderful support team, even if they may be long-distance in a few days. I am grateful for that.
It is quite thrilling but yet bittersweet to head off into the infinite abyss. Every other time I have headed off abroad or on a road adventure, there has been a definite start and end date. This is definitely more long term. However, I have learned in that it is in those times away from every thing that you have ever known that you learn the most about yourself.
When I think about leaving the familiar, I have mixed feelings. It is so easy here for me. It is really comfortable and hard not to grow complacent. I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. A life goal of mine for some while has been to get a Ph.D. before I turn 30. I have 6 years to make that happen. It's go time. Mississippi/home will always be here. When I think about leaving, I have to remind myself that things are not so linear. Hattiesburg and Mississippi are constantly changing/evolving. Things will not be exactly the same when I return in two months. Every day is a snap shot in time that may not be true the next day. It is like when I leave my room on the Coast. I like to leave things in place and untouched while I am gone, but inevitably the house may flood, the refridgerator may flood in the kitchen and leak into my room or my sister will break into my room and mess things up. Things are constantly changing. And so are we (hopefully).
I have some wonderful friends here that have been the family that I always wanted. I have had mentors, namely Dr. Larry Sparkman, that have guided me along my educational/life journey. I have finally found what I have been looking for and have only experienced one other time (in D.C. in a church that met in a movie theater) in Ekklesia. I hate to leave the community there. I have had parents that have allowed me into their children's lives as a babysitter. It is has been a privilege to watch them grow up, and I hope that I have had a positive influence on them; these wonderful children certainly have had a positive influence on my life. I feel like they are as close to nieces and nephews that I could get to having without actually having any as of yet. I have enjoyed being part of their childhoods. It is from observing them and their parents interact that I will be studying sibling/family relationships/interactions for my doctoral dissertation.
It is with fond memories that I prepare tp explore the infinite abyss that lies ahead of me while not forgetting my experiences here. I hope I get to see each of you one more time before I leave Hattiesburg on Friday, but if not, you will have to try to stop by to see me. It's only nine hours away. I'm excited about being part of the SEC football experience, and the season looks promising with Alabama and LSU both on schedule.
I wanted to say THANK YOU for being part of my life during my time in Hattiesburg. I will miss you. It's not goodbye, just see you later. I'll be back for half a week in October, a week in November, and three to four weeks in December/January. Until then, remember, “You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.”

Thoughts inspired by The Shack 1

I recently read The Shack by William Paul Young. It brought up a lot of thoughts and memories for me. Even though I have not been through what the main character Mack has been, I, myself, have gone through Great Sadness. The first was through the Hurricane Katrina experience, and I will get to that in another blog. My second Great Sadness was just last year.

"As he sat mesmerized by the fire and wrapped in its warmth, he prayed, mostly prayers of thanksgiving. He had been given so much. Blessed was probably the right word. He was content, at rest, and full of peace. Mack did not know it then, but within twenty-four hours his prayers would change, drastically."

-The Shack, pg. 39

It seems like I am always at the top of my game before things start going crazy and all wrong. However, things always look better on the other side of Great Sadness. Was it worth the pain and tears? I cannot say. I definitely do not feel like Rascal Flatts,
"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step."

-Here

No way. Count me out of the pain.

In the discussion of the book, we talked about how we view God because in the book, God appears differently than the main character expects. For me, as far back as four years old, I thought of God as the pawn holder. I pictured the world flat as a game piece up in heaven with people as pawns that God moved around.

The Shack 2

Chapter 8 and 9 were by far my favorite chapters in this book. There were some pretty powerful quotes found here. My favorite part of the whole book is when the main character is talking to God about bad things happening. The age old question is, "Why do bad things happen?" That question is quickly followed by, "Why does God allow those bad things to happen?" "Why does he not stop them?"

Mack: "You may not cause those things, but you certainly don't stop them."

God: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can only be understood within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good."

Holy Spirit: "Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but that will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted."

Mack: "It all seems like the end justifies the means."

God: "You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you life based on the very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power, and believing you are on your own and insignificant. All of those contain powerful lies. You see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps, at best, as fundamentally untrustworthy. You dictate the terms and judge my actions and find me guilty...I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good, and I desire only what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you."

Mack: "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this."

God: "We're not justifying it. We are redeeming it."


I can only imagine what a conversation between me and God would look like when I am hurt like Mack. I think it would kind of be like the lyrics of "You Found Me" by the Fray, especially in the wake of Katrina when my whole life was turned upside down like a snowglobe.

I found God
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Whyd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me


Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want


But I like how The Shack takes the point of view that there is no justification or cause for the pain. There is redemption. And everybody wants redemption. I know I do.

"Humans have a great capacity for declaring something good or evil without truly knowing."

That's true. We want to place things in categories and separate them. Things must be good or evil. However, the older I get, the less I see things in clear black and white and more of shades of gray. We do not know what is truly good for us. Out of the deep hurts in my life, I have learned more about myself, more about the world at large, and I have grown. And growth hurts. But it is better in the end. It may take years to see it, though.

nostalgia

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. There are certain times of the year that I reflect more - anniversaries of the death of a loved one, my birthday. Songs also have a way of bringing me back to times and places.

Most of life is full of waiting and mundane. Why do I look back with nostalgia? Even though a lot of bad things happened in certain periods in my life, my memory has a way of painting over the bad parts. I think I can actually make myself forget what I don't want to remember. Much of life is like the visuals in this video, which takes me back to 2002 every time I hear it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8aCFYW5eUU

Why do I look back with fondness? Gratitude that it is over? Thanksgiving for surviving?

Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house like a lot of other houses, a yard like a lot of other yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back, with wonder. -The Wonder Years

Oh nostalgia...

I'm right where I am supposed to be

I was not always sure that I was supposed to be in Columbia, SC. I rather stupidly applied only to USC because I felt drawn here; the Horseshoe did it to me. Sometimes I look back at parts of my life and think, "Wow, I really did that?!?!" That's how I feel about the past year. This time last year I had no idea I would be here. I knew that I had been accepted and was traipsing around Italy with Mandy. I knew nothing of the adventures and people that awaited me in the Palmetto State.

Beginnings are always scary, and last semester was no different. I felt what was probably, in retrospect, culture shock. I was a bit dazed and confused. Many changes happened at one time. My life is COMPLETELY different from a year ago, and I am really thankful.

I am doing things I always wanted to do here. Since I was about five years old, I wanted to live by myself. (I know I'm weird.) I think everyone should live by oneself once, even if for just a year. I am learning to be my own best friend. I don't have to replace, only add. I am building my South Carolina family of friends. I have met some of the nicest people here that have warmed my heart. Sure, it is not the same. But life here is good. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I feel that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

what my U101 students think of me


In my University 101 classes, we wrote our names on a piece of paper and passed it around for people to anonymously write about us. I am always curious know what people think about me because I worry that sometimes I see my own version of reality and not what truly is. Some of these things I never would have written about myself, but if so many people write them over and over, then maybe there is some merit to it. I have been having a lot of things going on lately that few people know about, and when I am down/stressed I now look at these papers. I’m tagging the people that know me best to see if you all concur. Is this an accurate description? Here is what they wrote: I tallied up the responses.

-You do great community service.
-giving
-compassionate (1, 1)
-have our best interests in mind, concerned for others
-always has good intentions
-always trying to help people (1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1,) and be a nice person, more people like you would make the world so much better
-very kind-hearted, willing to help others, thank you for everything you have done for us so far

-world traveler, not afraid to travel and explore the world (1, 1, 1, 1)
-always has a funny story to tell, has lots of experiences (1, 1,

-Nice , super nice to everyone (1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-funny, silly, goofy, sense of humor (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-friendly
-motivated
-awesome personality (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-helpful (1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-outgoing
-unique (1, 1)
-witty
-creative (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-Your happiness is infectious.
-upbeat, positive, happy, bubbly (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1)
-smart, intelligent, knowledgeable (1, 1, 1, 1)
-You are always passionate about the things you have planned for us.
-You make everything around you matter to you personally.
-passionate about life (1, 1)
-always has great ideas for our class
-always have cute shoes
-very strong opinions
-dedicated to what you do
-focused
-You are a little kid at heart.
-energetic (1, 1)
-organized
-thoughtful
-authoritative
-good leader (1, 1, 1)
-sincere (1, 1)

17 again

Watching 17 Again got me thinking about being 17 all over again. At that time, you seem to have endless opportunity stretching before you. Your life is just beginning. I thought about going back and what I would do. I had some things come to mind.

1. I wouldn't take things so seriously. I know how things turned out, and I would have been just fine without worrying so much about it.

2. I would have went to Southern freshman year and not sophomore.

3. I would have taken more time to spend with my great-grandmothers. They both died my senior year. The night before my great-grandmother that I was really close with died, I thought I should go see her. I told myself I would do it tomorrow. I never got another tomorrow with her. She lived with my father, and I let my terrible relationship with him get in between seeing someone that I really cared for and with whom I spent a great deal of my childhood.



What would you do over if you could go back to being 17? It's just something to think about...

some thoughts on Katrina

We have been talking about suffering @Awaken Church lately, and it brings me face to face with where I have come from. Sunday morning I was in such a foul mood. Eppie, my dog, was on vacation in Mississippi because I am going to Nicaragua this month, and I needed him to be watched. Then, my computer stopped working program by program. On the way out the door, I dropped my phone on my concrete porch, and the screen went blank. Since it is a regional company, I could not go anywhere in SC to get it fixed. The dog, even the computer, I could handle. But the loss of texting, which I do almost constantly, put me in a terrible mood. Then, we talk about suffering. And I was reminded of 5 years ago in Hurricane Katrina. The person I was last Sunday would have been HATED by the person I was going through Katrina. I would have been IRATE at someone being upset by those petty things when I was dealing with Katrina. Katrina altered my life is numerous ways. I now judge my life by one date - August 29, 2005- pre and post Katrina.
Going through the experience, and while the pain was still raw following it, I thought it was the absolute worst thing that could have happened to me. But now, 5 years removed, I am not quite so sure.
Katrina altered my life in some good ways.
1. I do not put much emphasis on material things. Not being attached to things frees you more than you would ever believe!
2. I found out how people truly felt. If it was not for Katrina and my dad spending 6 hours to get to us, I would not really know how he felt about me. I needed to know.
3. I do not take things like water and electricity for granted. Although, I will say that I actually have grown to love "simple" living. I think it is good for the soul every once in a while. However, falling asleep in pools of your own sweat in Katrina heat is not very cool. But, hey, everybody else was stinky and gross too at least.
4. I know how it is to live through a natural disaster. Images flashing across a tv screen makes me more than sad. It takes me back to my experience, and I can truly have empathy for the strangers.
5. Nothing is impossible. Katrina happened, even though I grew up hearing no storm would be worse than Camille.
6. I better understand homelessness, and I want to reach out to the homeless.
So, I guess this is things coming full circle. For so long I was mad at the hurricane, the water, God, and even myself for not packing a U-Haul and taking it with me. However, I know it made me such a better, stronger person. Living through THAT, I know I can make it through ANYTHING thrown my way. So this is not me by all means asking for another Katrina, but it is like Garth Brook's song "The Dance."
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance...
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all...
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
So, Katrina, thank you for teaching me a lot about myself. You shaped me. You grew me. I guess I could have done without your pain, but standing on this side of your dance is not so bad. Katrina gave me a new view from my bedroom into the kitchen!