I recently read The Shack by William Paul Young. It brought up a lot of thoughts and memories for me. Even though I have not been through what the main character Mack has been, I, myself, have gone through Great Sadness. The first was through the Hurricane Katrina experience, and I will get to that in another blog. My second Great Sadness was just last year.
"As he sat mesmerized by the fire and wrapped in its warmth, he prayed, mostly prayers of thanksgiving. He had been given so much. Blessed was probably the right word. He was content, at rest, and full of peace. Mack did not know it then, but within twenty-four hours his prayers would change, drastically."
-The Shack, pg. 39
It seems like I am always at the top of my game before things start going crazy and all wrong. However, things always look better on the other side of Great Sadness. Was it worth the pain and tears? I cannot say. I definitely do not feel like Rascal Flatts,
"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step."
-Here
No way. Count me out of the pain.
In the discussion of the book, we talked about how we view God because in the book, God appears differently than the main character expects. For me, as far back as four years old, I thought of God as the pawn holder. I pictured the world flat as a game piece up in heaven with people as pawns that God moved around.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
The Shack 2
Chapter 8 and 9 were by far my favorite chapters in this book. There were some pretty powerful quotes found here. My favorite part of the whole book is when the main character is talking to God about bad things happening. The age old question is, "Why do bad things happen?" That question is quickly followed by, "Why does God allow those bad things to happen?" "Why does he not stop them?"
Mack: "You may not cause those things, but you certainly don't stop them."
God: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can only be understood within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good."
Holy Spirit: "Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but that will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted."
Mack: "It all seems like the end justifies the means."
God: "You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you life based on the very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power, and believing you are on your own and insignificant. All of those contain powerful lies. You see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps, at best, as fundamentally untrustworthy. You dictate the terms and judge my actions and find me guilty...I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good, and I desire only what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you."
Mack: "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this."
God: "We're not justifying it. We are redeeming it."
I can only imagine what a conversation between me and God would look like when I am hurt like Mack. I think it would kind of be like the lyrics of "You Found Me" by the Fray, especially in the wake of Katrina when my whole life was turned upside down like a snowglobe.
I found God
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Whyd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want
But I like how The Shack takes the point of view that there is no justification or cause for the pain. There is redemption. And everybody wants redemption. I know I do.
"Humans have a great capacity for declaring something good or evil without truly knowing."
That's true. We want to place things in categories and separate them. Things must be good or evil. However, the older I get, the less I see things in clear black and white and more of shades of gray. We do not know what is truly good for us. Out of the deep hurts in my life, I have learned more about myself, more about the world at large, and I have grown. And growth hurts. But it is better in the end. It may take years to see it, though.
Mack: "You may not cause those things, but you certainly don't stop them."
God: "There are millions of reasons to allow pain and hurt and suffering rather than to eradicate them, but most of those reasons can only be understood within each person's story. I am not evil. You are the ones who embrace fear and pain and power and rights so readily in your relationships. But your choices are also not stronger than my purposes, and I will use every choice you make for the ultimate good."
Holy Spirit: "Broken humans center their lives around things that seem good to them, but that will neither fill them nor free them. They are addicted to power, or the illusion of security that power offers. When a disaster happens, those same people will turn against the false powers they trusted."
Mack: "It all seems like the end justifies the means."
God: "You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you life based on the very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power, and believing you are on your own and insignificant. All of those contain powerful lies. You see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps, at best, as fundamentally untrustworthy. You dictate the terms and judge my actions and find me guilty...I'm not a bully, not some self-centered demanding little deity insisting on my own way. I am good, and I desire only what is best for you. You cannot find that through guilt or condemnation or coercion, only through a relationship of love. And I do love you."
Mack: "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this."
God: "We're not justifying it. We are redeeming it."
I can only imagine what a conversation between me and God would look like when I am hurt like Mack. I think it would kind of be like the lyrics of "You Found Me" by the Fray, especially in the wake of Katrina when my whole life was turned upside down like a snowglobe.
I found God
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Whyd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Early morning, City breaks
Ive been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want
But I like how The Shack takes the point of view that there is no justification or cause for the pain. There is redemption. And everybody wants redemption. I know I do.
"Humans have a great capacity for declaring something good or evil without truly knowing."
That's true. We want to place things in categories and separate them. Things must be good or evil. However, the older I get, the less I see things in clear black and white and more of shades of gray. We do not know what is truly good for us. Out of the deep hurts in my life, I have learned more about myself, more about the world at large, and I have grown. And growth hurts. But it is better in the end. It may take years to see it, though.
nostalgia
I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. There are certain times of the year that I reflect more - anniversaries of the death of a loved one, my birthday. Songs also have a way of bringing me back to times and places.
Most of life is full of waiting and mundane. Why do I look back with nostalgia? Even though a lot of bad things happened in certain periods in my life, my memory has a way of painting over the bad parts. I think I can actually make myself forget what I don't want to remember. Much of life is like the visuals in this video, which takes me back to 2002 every time I hear it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8aCFYW5eUU
Why do I look back with fondness? Gratitude that it is over? Thanksgiving for surviving?
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house like a lot of other houses, a yard like a lot of other yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back, with wonder. -The Wonder Years
Oh nostalgia...
Most of life is full of waiting and mundane. Why do I look back with nostalgia? Even though a lot of bad things happened in certain periods in my life, my memory has a way of painting over the bad parts. I think I can actually make myself forget what I don't want to remember. Much of life is like the visuals in this video, which takes me back to 2002 every time I hear it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8aCFYW5eUU
Why do I look back with fondness? Gratitude that it is over? Thanksgiving for surviving?
Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house like a lot of other houses, a yard like a lot of other yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back, with wonder. -The Wonder Years
Oh nostalgia...
I'm right where I am supposed to be
I was not always sure that I was supposed to be in Columbia, SC. I rather stupidly applied only to USC because I felt drawn here; the Horseshoe did it to me. Sometimes I look back at parts of my life and think, "Wow, I really did that?!?!" That's how I feel about the past year. This time last year I had no idea I would be here. I knew that I had been accepted and was traipsing around Italy with Mandy. I knew nothing of the adventures and people that awaited me in the Palmetto State.
Beginnings are always scary, and last semester was no different. I felt what was probably, in retrospect, culture shock. I was a bit dazed and confused. Many changes happened at one time. My life is COMPLETELY different from a year ago, and I am really thankful.
I am doing things I always wanted to do here. Since I was about five years old, I wanted to live by myself. (I know I'm weird.) I think everyone should live by oneself once, even if for just a year. I am learning to be my own best friend. I don't have to replace, only add. I am building my South Carolina family of friends. I have met some of the nicest people here that have warmed my heart. Sure, it is not the same. But life here is good. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.
I feel that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
Beginnings are always scary, and last semester was no different. I felt what was probably, in retrospect, culture shock. I was a bit dazed and confused. Many changes happened at one time. My life is COMPLETELY different from a year ago, and I am really thankful.
I am doing things I always wanted to do here. Since I was about five years old, I wanted to live by myself. (I know I'm weird.) I think everyone should live by oneself once, even if for just a year. I am learning to be my own best friend. I don't have to replace, only add. I am building my South Carolina family of friends. I have met some of the nicest people here that have warmed my heart. Sure, it is not the same. But life here is good. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.
I feel that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
what my U101 students think of me
In my University 101 classes, we wrote our names on a piece of paper and passed it around for people to anonymously write about us. I am always curious know what people think about me because I worry that sometimes I see my own version of reality and not what truly is. Some of these things I never would have written about myself, but if so many people write them over and over, then maybe there is some merit to it. I have been having a lot of things going on lately that few people know about, and when I am down/stressed I now look at these papers. I’m tagging the people that know me best to see if you all concur. Is this an accurate description? Here is what they wrote: I tallied up the responses.
-You do great community service.
-giving
-compassionate (1, 1)
-have our best interests in mind, concerned for others
-always has good intentions
-always trying to help people (1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1,) and be a nice person, more people like you would make the world so much better
-very kind-hearted, willing to help others, thank you for everything you have done for us so far
-world traveler, not afraid to travel and explore the world (1, 1, 1, 1)
-always has a funny story to tell, has lots of experiences (1, 1,
-Nice , super nice to everyone (1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-funny, silly, goofy, sense of humor (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-friendly
-motivated
-awesome personality (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-helpful (1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-outgoing
-unique (1, 1)
-witty
-creative (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-Your happiness is infectious.
-upbeat, positive, happy, bubbly (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1)
-smart, intelligent, knowledgeable (1, 1, 1, 1)
-You are always passionate about the things you have planned for us.
-You make everything around you matter to you personally.
-passionate about life (1, 1)
-always has great ideas for our class
-always have cute shoes
-very strong opinions
-dedicated to what you do
-focused
-You are a little kid at heart.
-energetic (1, 1)
-organized
-thoughtful
-authoritative
-good leader (1, 1, 1)
-sincere (1, 1)
-You do great community service.
-giving
-compassionate (1, 1)
-have our best interests in mind, concerned for others
-always has good intentions
-always trying to help people (1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1,) and be a nice person, more people like you would make the world so much better
-very kind-hearted, willing to help others, thank you for everything you have done for us so far
-world traveler, not afraid to travel and explore the world (1, 1, 1, 1)
-always has a funny story to tell, has lots of experiences (1, 1,
-Nice , super nice to everyone (1,1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-funny, silly, goofy, sense of humor (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-friendly
-motivated
-awesome personality (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-helpful (1, 1, 1, 1, 1,)
-outgoing
-unique (1, 1)
-witty
-creative (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1)
-Your happiness is infectious.
-upbeat, positive, happy, bubbly (1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1,1, 1, 1)
-smart, intelligent, knowledgeable (1, 1, 1, 1)
-You are always passionate about the things you have planned for us.
-You make everything around you matter to you personally.
-passionate about life (1, 1)
-always has great ideas for our class
-always have cute shoes
-very strong opinions
-dedicated to what you do
-focused
-You are a little kid at heart.
-energetic (1, 1)
-organized
-thoughtful
-authoritative
-good leader (1, 1, 1)
-sincere (1, 1)
17 again
Watching 17 Again got me thinking about being 17 all over again. At that time, you seem to have endless opportunity stretching before you. Your life is just beginning. I thought about going back and what I would do. I had some things come to mind.
1. I wouldn't take things so seriously. I know how things turned out, and I would have been just fine without worrying so much about it.
2. I would have went to Southern freshman year and not sophomore.
3. I would have taken more time to spend with my great-grandmothers. They both died my senior year. The night before my great-grandmother that I was really close with died, I thought I should go see her. I told myself I would do it tomorrow. I never got another tomorrow with her. She lived with my father, and I let my terrible relationship with him get in between seeing someone that I really cared for and with whom I spent a great deal of my childhood.
What would you do over if you could go back to being 17? It's just something to think about...
1. I wouldn't take things so seriously. I know how things turned out, and I would have been just fine without worrying so much about it.
2. I would have went to Southern freshman year and not sophomore.
3. I would have taken more time to spend with my great-grandmothers. They both died my senior year. The night before my great-grandmother that I was really close with died, I thought I should go see her. I told myself I would do it tomorrow. I never got another tomorrow with her. She lived with my father, and I let my terrible relationship with him get in between seeing someone that I really cared for and with whom I spent a great deal of my childhood.
What would you do over if you could go back to being 17? It's just something to think about...
some thoughts on Katrina
We have been talking about suffering @Awaken Church lately, and it brings me face to face with where I have come from. Sunday morning I was in such a foul mood. Eppie, my dog, was on vacation in Mississippi because I am going to Nicaragua this month, and I needed him to be watched. Then, my computer stopped working program by program. On the way out the door, I dropped my phone on my concrete porch, and the screen went blank. Since it is a regional company, I could not go anywhere in SC to get it fixed. The dog, even the computer, I could handle. But the loss of texting, which I do almost constantly, put me in a terrible mood. Then, we talk about suffering. And I was reminded of 5 years ago in Hurricane Katrina. The person I was last Sunday would have been HATED by the person I was going through Katrina. I would have been IRATE at someone being upset by those petty things when I was dealing with Katrina. Katrina altered my life is numerous ways. I now judge my life by one date - August 29, 2005- pre and post Katrina.
Going through the experience, and while the pain was still raw following it, I thought it was the absolute worst thing that could have happened to me. But now, 5 years removed, I am not quite so sure.
Katrina altered my life in some good ways.
1. I do not put much emphasis on material things. Not being attached to things frees you more than you would ever believe!
2. I found out how people truly felt. If it was not for Katrina and my dad spending 6 hours to get to us, I would not really know how he felt about me. I needed to know.
3. I do not take things like water and electricity for granted. Although, I will say that I actually have grown to love "simple" living. I think it is good for the soul every once in a while. However, falling asleep in pools of your own sweat in Katrina heat is not very cool. But, hey, everybody else was stinky and gross too at least.
4. I know how it is to live through a natural disaster. Images flashing across a tv screen makes me more than sad. It takes me back to my experience, and I can truly have empathy for the strangers.
5. Nothing is impossible. Katrina happened, even though I grew up hearing no storm would be worse than Camille.
6. I better understand homelessness, and I want to reach out to the homeless.
So, I guess this is things coming full circle. For so long I was mad at the hurricane, the water, God, and even myself for not packing a U-Haul and taking it with me. However, I know it made me such a better, stronger person. Living through THAT, I know I can make it through ANYTHING thrown my way. So this is not me by all means asking for another Katrina, but it is like Garth Brook's song "The Dance."
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance...
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all...
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
So, Katrina, thank you for teaching me a lot about myself. You shaped me. You grew me. I guess I could have done without your pain, but standing on this side of your dance is not so bad. Katrina gave me a new view from my bedroom into the kitchen!
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