I went to another wedding this weekend. This was my first wedding that I went to alone, besides the ones that I've been in, which those don't really count anyway because I'm too busy doing damage control in those. :) I had to face head-on my fear of this. It wasn't so bad. It was actually empowering. I need to start doing more things alone. I still don't think I could sit at a non-fast food restaurant alone and eat, but maybe this year I can conquer that.
Anyway, I have this goal of visiting all the Civil War battlefields. Europe is exciting, and I love it, too, but it is important to discover America as well. There's a lot in our backyard. Nonetheless, I drove through the Vickburg battlefields today. At the Grand Canyon, driving through Arizona, and various other places when I have had time to think, I have been having these moments lately. I had another one today. I was waiting for the next film to start in the museum there before I drove through the battlefield, and there was this side room with talking. It was diaries or memoirs being read, and there were corresponding exhibits. Over all the talking, and through soaking in the words being spoken by a woman's voice at this point, there is constant gunfire noises. I stood there rooted in the floor. I almost expected the manekin holding the gun in the trench set-up to turn around and look me in the eyes, I couldn't believe the words being spoken. The woman, obviously going through the siege of Vicksburg, the sickness, the starvation, the gunfire, and other hardships was talking about every bit of creation praising God, including her.
And then it hit me. She was giving thanks in the midst of a WAR!!! I turned and looked at this net exhibit. I looked around. I was the only person in the room. But I hope I remember that moment for the rest of my life. More touching than some of the other things I saw that day, I want those words to reverburate in my heart and mind.
Despite everything that has been going on, I have so much to be thankful for, and yet do I give thanks enough? No. It is so much easier to think about the bad things than to pull out the good things, dust them off, and put them on display to reflect upon. Most everything I have faced in the past few years has been an inner battle, not an outer one. I have never had to deal with my country being torn apart. I don't wake up to gunfire and wonder if it will be my last morning to do so. I don't have soldiers ransacking my house. Times have been hard, but I never had to retreat into a cave like many did at that time in Vicksburg. If they could give thanks during that time, how much more thanks could I offer up on a daily basis? A lot more.
I also thought about how I've never had to fight for the freedoms I enjoy in America. True, there have been some infringement upon those freedoms in the past six years, but the foundations are still there. I've never had to face war in my homeland. I don't have to deal with what Bjorn and others are facing as I write this. I'm thankful for the military.
Back to the Civil War and not the current one, right or wrong, those men have passion. They had passion enough to die for what they believed, and I truly admire that. I thought about myself, and although I'm attracted to that passion and drive, do I have that? I honestly don't know if I have anything I believe so strongly that I could willingly put my life in danger like those men that were often younger than I am now. Wow. Let that sink in.
So when I go to a cementary or memorial, I try to take some time to reflect about a person or a group of people there or represented there. Today Lt. Col. Charles Turner's name jumped out at me. I don't know who he was. I don't know what side he was on. I just know he was on the left side of the road I was driving along, but his name was there. However, I know that there were a lot more men that died there that did not have their names on this special cement thing. So, I reflected on those men there, the men that never got to the rank of Lt. Col. or anything because they perished right there, the young men that gave it all, the guys that never lived to see the end of the war.
I thought about their families. I thought that many of them were fathers. Were there descendants proud? Did they even know? I hope they are remembered.
I have more to say, but I feel like this has gotten long enough. I thought more about the concept of home today. That will be the next topic, I believe.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
on death and dying
You know what kind of call it is. It's a Saturday morning, and you're sleeping late, yet somebody calls you and wakes you up. "I have a bit of bad news." No, I know that tone in your voice. I heard that sniffle. This is how you start every "bit of bad news" call. It's not a bit of bad news. It's a lot of bad news. Somebody died. Who? I remember all these calls. I remember where I am, whether I am sitting or standing, and what I was doing before I was interupted by said call. Before my mom even said who it was today, my mind was already miles ahead of her. Who was it? What happened. Dear God, please let it not be my grandmother. I don't know how I would deal with that. Not today. Not now. Not ever. Well, what am I doing about it? I should go see my grandmother now. I love her. Ahhh. Who can it be? She tells me. It's all unexpected. No it can't happen. This all a bad dream. Let me wake up. I hear rain pouring outside; it matches the tears my mom has pouring down her face right now. I immediately think of the last time I saw this person or the last mean thought I thought about the person. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it to utterly torment ourselves about something death made it impossible to make better? We are humans. We are imperfect. That's the thing about caring. That's the thing about loving and putting yourself out there. It makes times like this worse. To love someone is to ultimately hurt a lot when they are no longer here on this earth.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance -Garth Brooks
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance -Garth Brooks
my life is going to change tomorrow
My life is going to change tomorrow. I'm really nervous. I am going to become an aunt - kind of. My best friend and first cousin is going to have a baby. She is like a sister to me - one that I actually get along with and like. :) We have always done just about everything together because we are only 6 months apart in age. I'm pacing already. She is going to become a mom - responsible for another life. It's not an aunt or old person having a baby tomorrow. I will be in the waiting room waiting on somebody practically my age. When did we grow up? This is all happening too fast.
When you're the best of friends
Having so much fun together
You're not even aware, you're such a funny pair
You're the best of friends
Life's a happy game
You could clown around forever
Neither one of you sees, your natural boundaries
Life's one happy game
If only the world wouldn't get in the way
If only people would just let you play
They say you're both being fools
You're breaking all the rules
They can't understand your magic wonderland
When you're the best of friends
Sharing all that you discover
When that moment has passed, will that friendship last?
Who can say if there's a way?
Oh I hope . . . I hope it never ends
'Cause you're the best of friends
-The Fox and the Hound "Best of Friends"
When you're the best of friends
Having so much fun together
You're not even aware, you're such a funny pair
You're the best of friends
Life's a happy game
You could clown around forever
Neither one of you sees, your natural boundaries
Life's one happy game
If only the world wouldn't get in the way
If only people would just let you play
They say you're both being fools
You're breaking all the rules
They can't understand your magic wonderland
When you're the best of friends
Sharing all that you discover
When that moment has passed, will that friendship last?
Who can say if there's a way?
Oh I hope . . . I hope it never ends
'Cause you're the best of friends
-The Fox and the Hound "Best of Friends"
a long December
A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
-Counting Crows
This song might as well be my anthem. Things have been really horrible this past year, but I have faith that this one will be better than the last. Things are going so well that I almost am afraid for something bad to happen. It is like there is too much good in my life right now, and something bad must balance out the good.
So many amazing things have been happening lately. I just got back from Italy, and I learned to laugh again on that trip. I really did not do much laughing the past several months. I laughed until I cried a few times on that trip. It was so great. Even though the beginning of the trip was rocky with planes canceled and nightmarish hostels, things were okay. I came back from the trip a lighter person.
I got into USC! Then, today on my birthday, I found out that I got the fellowship. Wow! Amazing! Dreams do come true!
I had been hesitant about going to South Carolina, but things seem to be falling into place. Today, as well, the rocking chair (one of the three things we were able to save from the house after the hurricane) that my mom rocked all three of her daughters in broke. I wanted to rock my children in that rocking chair. It was as if God was saying, "No, you must break from your past. You are going to South Carolina. Stop questioning it." And strangely enough, I was okay with the rocker breaking. One less thing to move.
There is reason to believe this year will be better than the last...
I have amazing friends that made my day special.
Things are changing fast. Good things.
Maybe this year will be better than the last
-Counting Crows
This song might as well be my anthem. Things have been really horrible this past year, but I have faith that this one will be better than the last. Things are going so well that I almost am afraid for something bad to happen. It is like there is too much good in my life right now, and something bad must balance out the good.
So many amazing things have been happening lately. I just got back from Italy, and I learned to laugh again on that trip. I really did not do much laughing the past several months. I laughed until I cried a few times on that trip. It was so great. Even though the beginning of the trip was rocky with planes canceled and nightmarish hostels, things were okay. I came back from the trip a lighter person.
I got into USC! Then, today on my birthday, I found out that I got the fellowship. Wow! Amazing! Dreams do come true!
I had been hesitant about going to South Carolina, but things seem to be falling into place. Today, as well, the rocking chair (one of the three things we were able to save from the house after the hurricane) that my mom rocked all three of her daughters in broke. I wanted to rock my children in that rocking chair. It was as if God was saying, "No, you must break from your past. You are going to South Carolina. Stop questioning it." And strangely enough, I was okay with the rocker breaking. One less thing to move.
There is reason to believe this year will be better than the last...
I have amazing friends that made my day special.
Things are changing fast. Good things.
and three and a half minutes felt like a lifetime
And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song
was playing in my mind.
-Better than Ezra
This song has been in my head since yesterday. Tonight I drove by the dome at night just to see it. It was like I was Claire in Elizabethtown taking one of those goofy mental pictures. I felt like this was one of my last chances to see it, and I wanted to see it tonight. I still have a little less than 4 months left, but now that I know it is real and that I am leaving, it changes how I think. There are so many things that I will miss. But if I stay here and become complacent, I will miss out on whatever else can be out there for me. When I first came to USM for Girls State, I hated the campus. The black and gold everywhere made me want to vomit. I thought that they should tear down the school and give the money to the other state institutions. Oh, how much a year can change you! How things change! Tonight as I drove around seeing the campus at night, I found myself crying (and for the first time in a long time, they were happy tears). For Good from the Wicked soundtrack was playing, and it was so fitting. I could dedicated that song to several people that I have met during my Hattiesburg stint. It will be hard to leave them. It will be hard to say goodbye, but it feels right. I can't do something because it is comfortable and easy. So for now, I'm making a list of things to do this summer, anticipating what I might miss and trying to get enough of those things to tie me over until I get to Hattiesburg again.
Driving around tonight, I felt so alive. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song
was playing in my mind.
-Better than Ezra
This song has been in my head since yesterday. Tonight I drove by the dome at night just to see it. It was like I was Claire in Elizabethtown taking one of those goofy mental pictures. I felt like this was one of my last chances to see it, and I wanted to see it tonight. I still have a little less than 4 months left, but now that I know it is real and that I am leaving, it changes how I think. There are so many things that I will miss. But if I stay here and become complacent, I will miss out on whatever else can be out there for me. When I first came to USM for Girls State, I hated the campus. The black and gold everywhere made me want to vomit. I thought that they should tear down the school and give the money to the other state institutions. Oh, how much a year can change you! How things change! Tonight as I drove around seeing the campus at night, I found myself crying (and for the first time in a long time, they were happy tears). For Good from the Wicked soundtrack was playing, and it was so fitting. I could dedicated that song to several people that I have met during my Hattiesburg stint. It will be hard to leave them. It will be hard to say goodbye, but it feels right. I can't do something because it is comfortable and easy. So for now, I'm making a list of things to do this summer, anticipating what I might miss and trying to get enough of those things to tie me over until I get to Hattiesburg again.
Driving around tonight, I felt so alive. I can't remember the last time I felt that way.
themesong of my life
I often think of if my life had a theme song, what would it be...
I think it would be more of a soundtrack.
I wish my life were a musical when people spontaneously sing and dance in the street.
Everybody instantly knows all the words and moves.
I already know the snap I would do when I broke into song.
A song that plays in my head a lot is "Best of You" by Foo Fighters. For this period in my life, that is my song.
I hope to change songs soon.
Something lighter and happier would be nice, but the words in this song are true for this season.
Is someone getting the best of you?
No matter how hard you try and how much effort you put in?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DKXGpMGY_o
I think it would be more of a soundtrack.
I wish my life were a musical when people spontaneously sing and dance in the street.
Everybody instantly knows all the words and moves.
I already know the snap I would do when I broke into song.
A song that plays in my head a lot is "Best of You" by Foo Fighters. For this period in my life, that is my song.
I hope to change songs soon.
Something lighter and happier would be nice, but the words in this song are true for this season.
Is someone getting the best of you?
No matter how hard you try and how much effort you put in?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DKXGpMGY_o
into the abyss
Andrew Largeman: Hey Albert
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too
-Garden State
It is with a head full of memories and a heart full of dreams that I write this note. I am leaving for South Carolina this Sunday. Friday will be my last day in Hattiesburg, at least until October.
Leaving is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Believe it or not, I am glad that things worked out so last minute. I did not have time to worry about things as much because my percentage of actually going was 50/50 until just recently. For those that are wondering, I did find a place to live. It is a five minutes from campus, and it is a quadruplex. I am excited about it. It is so huge, and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself with a large space and no sister bouncing off the walls. I do not yet have a car, but the insurance company is ready to talk settlement amounts. Beyond that, I am set. My stuff is still packed from when I moved everything to the Coast in May.
At this juncture in my life, I think back to other times I have set off. I went to MUW, and I cried after I got my stuff unloaded in 2002. I went to D.C. as an intern for a senator in 2004, and once I was done with my first day of work on the Hill, I returned to my apartment and cried. I'll probably get back to my place after I finish my first day there and cry again. The great thing about now is that I have a wonderful support team, even if they may be long-distance in a few days. I am grateful for that.
It is quite thrilling but yet bittersweet to head off into the infinite abyss. Every other time I have headed off abroad or on a road adventure, there has been a definite start and end date. This is definitely more long term. However, I have learned in that it is in those times away from every thing that you have ever known that you learn the most about yourself.
When I think about leaving the familiar, I have mixed feelings. It is so easy here for me. It is really comfortable and hard not to grow complacent. I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. A life goal of mine for some while has been to get a Ph.D. before I turn 30. I have 6 years to make that happen. It's go time. Mississippi/home will always be here. When I think about leaving, I have to remind myself that things are not so linear. Hattiesburg and Mississippi are constantly changing/evolving. Things will not be exactly the same when I return in two months. Every day is a snap shot in time that may not be true the next day. It is like when I leave my room on the Coast. I like to leave things in place and untouched while I am gone, but inevitably the house may flood, the refridgerator may flood in the kitchen and leak into my room or my sister will break into my room and mess things up. Things are constantly changing. And so are we (hopefully).
I have some wonderful friends here that have been the family that I always wanted. I have had mentors, namely Dr. Larry Sparkman, that have guided me along my educational/life journey. I have finally found what I have been looking for and have only experienced one other time (in D.C. in a church that met in a movie theater) in Ekklesia. I hate to leave the community there. I have had parents that have allowed me into their children's lives as a babysitter. It is has been a privilege to watch them grow up, and I hope that I have had a positive influence on them; these wonderful children certainly have had a positive influence on my life. I feel like they are as close to nieces and nephews that I could get to having without actually having any as of yet. I have enjoyed being part of their childhoods. It is from observing them and their parents interact that I will be studying sibling/family relationships/interactions for my doctoral dissertation.
It is with fond memories that I prepare tp explore the infinite abyss that lies ahead of me while not forgetting my experiences here. I hope I get to see each of you one more time before I leave Hattiesburg on Friday, but if not, you will have to try to stop by to see me. It's only nine hours away. I'm excited about being part of the SEC football experience, and the season looks promising with Alabama and LSU both on schedule.
I wanted to say THANK YOU for being part of my life during my time in Hattiesburg. I will miss you. It's not goodbye, just see you later. I'll be back for half a week in October, a week in November, and three to four weeks in December/January. Until then, remember, “You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.”
Albert: Yeah?
Andrew Largeman: Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.
Albert: Thank you, and Hey, you too
-Garden State
It is with a head full of memories and a heart full of dreams that I write this note. I am leaving for South Carolina this Sunday. Friday will be my last day in Hattiesburg, at least until October.
Leaving is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Believe it or not, I am glad that things worked out so last minute. I did not have time to worry about things as much because my percentage of actually going was 50/50 until just recently. For those that are wondering, I did find a place to live. It is a five minutes from campus, and it is a quadruplex. I am excited about it. It is so huge, and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself with a large space and no sister bouncing off the walls. I do not yet have a car, but the insurance company is ready to talk settlement amounts. Beyond that, I am set. My stuff is still packed from when I moved everything to the Coast in May.
At this juncture in my life, I think back to other times I have set off. I went to MUW, and I cried after I got my stuff unloaded in 2002. I went to D.C. as an intern for a senator in 2004, and once I was done with my first day of work on the Hill, I returned to my apartment and cried. I'll probably get back to my place after I finish my first day there and cry again. The great thing about now is that I have a wonderful support team, even if they may be long-distance in a few days. I am grateful for that.
It is quite thrilling but yet bittersweet to head off into the infinite abyss. Every other time I have headed off abroad or on a road adventure, there has been a definite start and end date. This is definitely more long term. However, I have learned in that it is in those times away from every thing that you have ever known that you learn the most about yourself.
When I think about leaving the familiar, I have mixed feelings. It is so easy here for me. It is really comfortable and hard not to grow complacent. I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. A life goal of mine for some while has been to get a Ph.D. before I turn 30. I have 6 years to make that happen. It's go time. Mississippi/home will always be here. When I think about leaving, I have to remind myself that things are not so linear. Hattiesburg and Mississippi are constantly changing/evolving. Things will not be exactly the same when I return in two months. Every day is a snap shot in time that may not be true the next day. It is like when I leave my room on the Coast. I like to leave things in place and untouched while I am gone, but inevitably the house may flood, the refridgerator may flood in the kitchen and leak into my room or my sister will break into my room and mess things up. Things are constantly changing. And so are we (hopefully).
I have some wonderful friends here that have been the family that I always wanted. I have had mentors, namely Dr. Larry Sparkman, that have guided me along my educational/life journey. I have finally found what I have been looking for and have only experienced one other time (in D.C. in a church that met in a movie theater) in Ekklesia. I hate to leave the community there. I have had parents that have allowed me into their children's lives as a babysitter. It is has been a privilege to watch them grow up, and I hope that I have had a positive influence on them; these wonderful children certainly have had a positive influence on my life. I feel like they are as close to nieces and nephews that I could get to having without actually having any as of yet. I have enjoyed being part of their childhoods. It is from observing them and their parents interact that I will be studying sibling/family relationships/interactions for my doctoral dissertation.
It is with fond memories that I prepare tp explore the infinite abyss that lies ahead of me while not forgetting my experiences here. I hope I get to see each of you one more time before I leave Hattiesburg on Friday, but if not, you will have to try to stop by to see me. It's only nine hours away. I'm excited about being part of the SEC football experience, and the season looks promising with Alabama and LSU both on schedule.
I wanted to say THANK YOU for being part of my life during my time in Hattiesburg. I will miss you. It's not goodbye, just see you later. I'll be back for half a week in October, a week in November, and three to four weeks in December/January. Until then, remember, “You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.”
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