Bittersweet: A Book and a Season

I went to my favorite library branch that is part historical museum and converted old schoolhouse earlier this summer and instantly was drawn to this book. Maybe it was the piece of chocolate pictured on the cover or the title or the author that I knew through Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz, Scary Close, etc.) because I am pretty sure they are friends. I have seen videos of her speaking, one way or another.

I walked around trying to find another book. Looking at the title, maybe that is not what I needed to be reading because that is what I was feeling and have been feeling for months.

I walked around the whole adult section and some of the young adult fiction section and got no where.

This book came home with me.

It had short chapters, was an easy read, and the author was so open and honest in her storytelling.

But I felt this book on a spiritual level almost.

If I had one word to describe the past few years, I would probably say bittersweet.

Really big and exciting things have happened. However, some devastating things that keep me up at night have happened too.

They say the cost of your new life is your old one. And I feel that because everything changed all at once for me this summer, and it was a lot at one time. I was experiencing most of the major life transitions that I talked about in the sociology classes I taught - and all at once.

Another good word to describe this season would just be overwhelmed and almost paralyzed with the indecision of not knowing where to even begin.

I remember feeling this way before. I felt so unsteady when I started being a house director. A lot was changing then. All those changes all at once were a bit much. I look back at it as being such a great decision and the best time in my life, but I did not know that then. I did not know how it would turn out. It could have been my "jumping the shark" moment.

I have tried reminding myself of that time and how it all worked out. But the reality is that nothing in life is certain.

I am a planner and not knowing the next step bothers me to my core.

On top of all the changes, there has been tremendous loss of people and of one pet (and you know how I am about my dogs if you are reading this most likely). I would not say they haunt me in my dreams, but we do meet up in my dreamworld and those dreams are just as puzzling and foggy as the grief.

Even things that should be happy, like getting to have Shrimp back with me, are clouded by the loss of what I lost. I have called Shrimp the wrong name multiple times since I have gotten him back.

Because I lived so far away, it was easy to push things that were going on at the home front away. Since I did not go home much, I still expect those that I lost to still be here because they were always here when I visited.  I still have to chase the thought away that I will run into them at important events, and even as recent as last weekend, I still thought about seeing someone at a party that we recently lost.

It is possible to be happy but still feel the grief of what is lost and not happening in that moment. My wedding was a happy day, but it was a hard day in the sense that I very rawly felt the loss of a few key people that were not there. When you lose someone, dreams of what might have been and future experiences together die too.

And sometimes you lose someone before they actually pass, but that is another subject for another day. I will be writing about that, too, so stay tuned.

And it is not that you are not happy. It is just that you are feeling a loss too.

It is all so bittersweet.

The book described how you can be both happy and sad in the same moment.

One major part it touched on was being happy for others when they are getting what you want - so hard. I've been there, though, so many times. It is all in being a good friend.

Another major thing I got from the book is the concept of a home team. Not everybody is on your home team. You cannot be everything to everybody, even though I really want to. And just because you think someone is on your home team does not mean they would put you on theirs. It just gets you thinking about who you invest in and who invests in you.

Sometimes life is not all good or all bad at a time. Sometimes it is just bittersweet.

If you are feeling some of the same things I wrote about or just are looking for a new read, check out Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. Also, here is the author speaking about the book.

So here's to weathering all the changes in your life well and with grace.