five years ago today

Five years ago, my great-grandmother died. I really wanted her to see me graduate that following May. Not only was I going to be the first, I was graduating as valedictorian. I wanted to make her proud.

I remember the day it happened. When I heard the news, I wouldn't accept it. It had to be wrong. Somebody messed up the name. It couldn't be her. My other great-grandmother was sick, not her. It was so sudden, so unexpected for me. She was supposed to live FOREVER. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be true.

Of course in the way my family deals with things, I was told in the car. I took the ACT morning, and I didn't know until afterwards. Incidentally, I got the magic number that day that I was shooting for. Anyway, my mom tells us and then proceeds to take us shopping for something that she wanted. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to be shopping. I was hurting. I had wet my shirt with tears. My face was a mess. I was upset. The last place I wanted to be then was in public.

This was the first death that I had to deal with, and I was two months away from being 18. I've had other grandparents die before, but my parents never allowed me to go to the funerals. I was sent away. They believed that a funeral was not a place for a child. Therefore, it was like they just went on a trip and never came back. I never got to say goodbye to them. I need to say goodbye to her. I was almost 18 this time. I drove myself and my sisters to the wake. They deserved a chance to say goodbye, too.

This event was so devasting to me. The night before I thought about going to see her, but I decided against it. I was driving from school, and I passed her road on the way home, but I opted for a nap instead. I told myself I'd go Saturday. But there was no second chance. There was no tomorrow. I should have went when I thought about going that day before. I felt so horrible because the last thing I had told her was a promise that I'd go see her soon. It was a promise that I would never fulfill.

It wasn't her. That's not the reason I didn't go. Because of other people, relationships in my life that lived with her, I didn't go see her. I felt like a jerk.

I remember lying in the fetal position on the floor of my room until I couldn't cry anymore. My eyes were so swollen that I'm surprised my eyelids opened. After the burial, when nobody was around, I went to the grave. I had to talk to her. I had to say I'm sorry. Although she had lived a long life, it wasn't long enough for me. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. Five years later, I still can't believe she's gone.

I still miss her. She was a great woman. She taught me how to crochet and sew. Sewing and quilting were her ways to relax. I spent numerous afternoons just being with her. When I was in elementary school, I got off the bus at her house because my parents were still working.

I'd like to think that I carry some of her with me today. She cared about everyone. I don't think she ever prayed for herself; she always put the needs of others before her own. Every night she went through her list of people to pray for. In fact, she had a pet bird that started praying too after hearing her pray night after night. Her house was the place that people went to when they were having a hard time. It was sort of like a hotel. Somebody was always in and out. I can still hear her slippers scuffling on the wooden floor if I try really hard. In time, the sound of her voice is fading in my mind. I had videos of her telling jokes and stories, but the hurricane washed them away. Few pictures of her survived the storm. Even as I write this, I'm crying.

I hope that I made her proud. I hope that she knew how much she meant to me. Bread, saspirilla, pecans, pears, and crochet needles make me think of her. Her birthday is two months from today.

She was a great woman. She tried her hardest to do the right thing. She may not have been a rich woman on earth, but she was rich in spirit, humor, and love for her family.

There's a place in my heart that will always be hers. I still miss her.