How far I've Come...

I'm sitting on my Grandmother's steps that lead to an unfinished house. But oh the memories that have been made in this yard! I grew up next door to my grandmother. I'm looking at the property right now. Today I just realized that the magnolia tree that was right outside my window no longer exists. Neither does this big tree that we had plant pots hanging from. It is amazing how things seem so big when you are a child and then so unimpressive and small today. I could get lost in these two yards. I had a tire swing on a tree that is no longer here. There was a weeping willow that I would climb. Today I would break the branches if I tried. The structure that I grew up in is no longer here. So much of what used to be is not here because of Hurricane Katrina. However, a bush from my grandfather's yard that makes these white flowers is still there. I'm looking at it now as I type, and it makes me still feel connected to my past. So much of that past was ripped away by the storm, and I still feel its effects today. Just yesterday I was going to a church that I went to often in high school because my best friend's step dad was the priest there. I was so excited about seeing the inside of it because it really is a beautiful church, and I timed my departure so I wouldn't have an awkward amount of time before the service started. As I drove past it, I remembered that the church is not rebuilt yet. I had no idea where they were holding services these days. Something so simple as going to church became hard. Luckily, through the wonders of text messaging, I was able to find out where service was being held. Things have changed so much.




And all these changes are not bad. Friday was my last day with my sister. I can't really comprehend it now, but I am relieved. I think it will fully hit me when I go back to Hattiesburg without her tomorrow. Also, in just a few short days B will be home. It seems surreal. It has been such a long time. A person really can get used to anything.

I'm in a Jewel kind of mood

"You Were Meant For Me"
I hear the clock, it's six a.m. (way too early to be up when you have a fitful night of sleep)
I feel so far from where I've been (a thousand miles from anywhere)
I got my eggs and my pancakes too (even though I don't like breakfast food)
I got my maple syrup, everything but you. (wish you were here)
I break the yolks, make a smiley face (then I scramble it)
I kinda like it in my brand new placeI wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore
' causeDreams last for so long (They really do.)
even after you're gone (but then they start to fade)
I know you love me (or do you?)
And soon you will see
You were meant for me (If anybody was ever meant for anybody, which I'm not sure I believe.)And I was meant for you.
I called my momma, she was out for a walk (as usual - too busy for me)
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk (but neither do I)
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news (very true)
More hearts being broken or people being used (very sad)
Put on my coat in the pouring rain (what's the use?)I
saw a movie it just wasn't the same (nothing is)
'Cause it was happy and I was sad (so sad)
It made me miss you oh so bad
'causeDreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.
I go about my business, I'm doin fine (I'm really not.)
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.(and I am no different)
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up.
Turn the sheets down.
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight
'causeDreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

I've been down so long that the end must be drawing near... - Jewel

It is true. It has been a rough year, but the end is drawing near. I am ready for the end of some things, but I am not ready for the end of other things that will have to happen, though. I will miss not having my apartment. I like my own space.


I finished the class I was observing and class I TA for today. It was my last classroom experience for my masters. As I turned out the light, I thought, "There's a chapter of my life shutting." I really enjoy teaching. It has been something that I would like to do in the future. The future is a blank page right now, and I don't really like that. Who knows how different my life will be in a year? Hopefully it will be better than last year.

Baby went to Amsterdam...

Baby went to Amsterdam, put a little money into traveling.

It went slow, slow.


Well, I am in Amsterdam. Things are going slow. It is 5 a.m. my time, and I certainly would not be up under normal circumstances by any means. I have a 10 hour lay-over! I really fought with myself about staying in the airport. I'm ITCHING to see the city. I've been in this airport twice but never saw Amsterdam. Sigh. I will have to wait until I can visit it and do the city justice instead of get just a crash course. I'm stifling my inner conversation, which is telling me, "Live a little, Tabitha." Well, after finding a toilet that actually flushed, I head upstairs to the food. Out of habit or something. What do I do when I am bored? I eat. As I sat down, I realized that I just ate breakfast on the plane. What am I? A Pig? I am not hungry. However, I'm so ahead of my flight that it s not even showing up on the departure board. Ugh. What is there to do? I have a small pillow and blanket in the off chance I'll be able to sleep in a chair waiting the next billion hours. OR I have them in case the hostels are particularly nasty. Either way, I'm good. I found my first love here - Ronald McDonald. He called to me - in a statue form and told me to eat his food. I always want to try my favorite food, McDonald's, in other countries to see if it tastes the same. I had a cheeseburger happy meal today - picture taken to document it. The pickle tasted sweeter. The onions were cut finer. Yogurt was included in a tiny cup. Reality sinks in as I chew french fries that I am not hungry and now have one less thing to do. I can't really even go to my terminal or gate. I don't know where they are. I'm suddenly longing for human contact. I tried getting internet on my ipod. So much for giving up the internet on this trip. Oh well, the signal doesn't even connect. I was going to let someone know that I made it to Amsterdam - someone, anyway, but I have no internet. I'll turn on the cell soon, just to see if I get a signal. I'm really tired. I want a nap. Hopefully I can get good sleep at the hostel. I long to talk to someone. I don't know why but I am overcome with loneliness. Maybe because I constantly have my sister with me nowadays. Maybe because I am meeting no one until tomorrow. I don't know what it is. I scan through my head- who could I call on this continent? B - don't have her number here. M - she is asleep like I wish I was. Mo - I don't even have the country code. I wish I could hear B's voice. I also appreciate the fact that my ipod will act like it is playing music, but I can't hear it. So it's either writing or reading. I might walk around the shops downstairs but I have looked at them before - two years ago. I had a four hour lay-over then, and I thought that was bad. Geesh. Yet another thing I would tell younger Tab if I could go back in time: Four hour lay-overs are not the worst that could happen. I debate about eating the rest of my fries or not. Frankly, when it comes between eating and sleeping with me, sleeping always wins, unless I'm too hungry to fall asleep. I ponder my next steps. I see a wifi zone. I also remember I could call A in Germany, but what's the point? "Hey, I'm on your continent, not going to see you, and I'm bored." I'm ready for an adventure but oh so tired. I see a man sleeping at the table. That's a thought. I go downstairs. No such luck picking up a wireless signal. I do find chairs perfect for sleeping. They have tall backs, are extra cushioned and extra big. The big shelf-life hand rests are perfect to elevate my bag/pillow combination. I sleep for maybe an hour or two and dream about a security guard in the airport talking about customs regulations. This is probably because my sleep is punctured by announcements. "Attention: Europe has strict regulations on liquids. However, the alcohol you purchase in the airport can be taken aboard as a carry on." It was hard to make myself wake up, but I had to or I'd never sleep tonight. I did have some fitful sleep on the way here, but I kept flipping from one side of the seat to the other. I watched Enchanted during/after dinner and an episode of the Office, What it takes about Denzel Washington, and an episode of Dirtiest Jobs - about making cheese before/during my breakfast. I hope I get a snack or something on this next flight. Already my time is off. I think I will sleep good tonight. There is not much to write about yet it seems because I have only seen the inside of the airport, ones that I have already seen before at that. I did get another stamp in my passport though stating that I was in Amsterdam. Hopefully I'll get one in Rome. After hearing a group of people talk incessantly in Chinese and getting really cold waiting at my gate, I ventured out to get dinner. I was really hungry. I wanted chocolate and cheese. I crave random things when I travel. I always want tomato juice when I fly and trail mix when I go on road trips. I paid particular attention to get European chocolate because I love it and cheese- something different because they sold a lot of it here. I got a pack of croutons/crustinis, salami, and cheese. I got an extra dark chocolate bar with orange flavoring, and for a drink, I had to settle for coke because I did not want a beer, water, or iced coffee. I sure wish I had my knitting. I could have finished that darn scarf all this time that I have been waiting. I'm almost done with the 12th Lemony Snickets book. I need to get Euros, but I'll get them in Italy. I hate carrying cash with me. This has been over 24 hours of travel by my time zone. Waiting is no fun. I vowed to myself that when I went to Germany alone that next time I would have someone with me. So much for that. I finally have time to myself to think but my mind is fuzzied by lack of sleep. I'm afraid after all this waiting that I'll fall asleep and miss my flight. That would suck. I could not help but notice that there has been plenty of flights to Rome since I have been here. Maybe as part of its cheapness, they put me on the flight nobody wanted.

7 & 10 hour layovers (Travel day for Italy trip)

This morning was crazy. I moved things from one bag to another. I wanted to not have to check anything in. Well, if it was a larger plane, that might have worked. I left my phone charger in the luggage I checked. That will work nicely on my 7 hour lay-over in Memphis. Oh well. Nothing is perfect. I sure wish I had some knitting with me. I flew on the tiniest plane that I have flown on yet in Hattiesburg. That airport is really convenient. I had been stressing about getting things done, but everything worked perfectly, even my gallon size ziploc instead of quart size. As I pulled up to the airport, I was met with a flood of emotions. I recalled all those happy hellos and sad goodbyes with Bjorn. Was I happy or sad today? Neither, really. Going on big trips like this, I always get cold feet. I can stay at home. You know, I really like my bed. It is comfortable. I have been really nervous about this trip, probably because I will have my sister in my apartment when Iam gone, and I don't want her to break anything else. Also, I will not have someone waiting on me at the airport. That's sad. I always seem to travel alone. On one hand, it is sad, but on the other hand, it is liberating. I get time to sort out my feelings, which does not happen often with my sister. Anyway, something awesome happened at the Hattiesburg-Laurel airport. Every once in a while, life offers you a chance to meet a kindred spirit. Today I met Kim. She is probably ten years older than me, and I wonder - will I be like her when I am her age? She has the hair color I wish mine would be more like - more auburn. Her make-up is how I attempt to get mine to look like. I enjoyed talking to her. She was the first person I talked to in the airport, we ended up next to each other in security pre-boarding, we talked until we got ont he plane, and I ended up sitting in front of her on the way to Memphis. Since I had a seven hour lay-over in Elvis town, I agreed to hang out with her as she waited to go to Oklahoma. I had no problem talking to her. If I end up in Oklahoma City again, we should do lunch. She gave me a magazine to read and said that there is a paper in there with her e-mail address. So, I'm still in the states and had something pretty cool happen. People in airports never really connect to each other, but I felt we did. People, myself included, are usually too much in a hnurry with their agenda or next flight to connect. It reminds me that sometimes when I slow down, amazing things can happen.

On the eve's eve's eve of my trip

I leave for Italy in two days - TWO DAYS! I had been incredibly excited about it, but today I'm suddenly choked by anxiety. I have the packing list. I've checked it twice. I know what I need. I've done trips like this before. This is my second visit to Europe. It has been a long, hard year, and I am ready for it be over. I am to the point that I have given and given and feel that I have nothing left to give. I just need to regain control of my life because I feel like it has been so out of control lately. I know I will write more about Italy, but for now, I'm concerned about trying exchanging money, packing, and letting it all sink in that I will be on an amazing trip with one of my closest friends soon.